Attending my own funeral by KS SIAL


I don’t remember which exact day or date it was but I found my body, dead, lying in a funeral parlour. My soul was sitting on an armchair (invisible from the crowd), and busy, smoking a Cuban cigar and driving pleasure from the scene. Friends were gathered around the coffin; some were really sorry and shocked, while others were shocked and sorry because they knew the guy who owed them money and who was no longer alive. Now their debts were unrecoverable, which represented great and collective loss.

Few were there because they felt it’s my first right and their last duty, others joined them thinking it would be a good get-together. It was a reasonable crowd of believers and atheists, bidding farewell to their mate, a friend who was for some a poet and author, albeit a second class one. For the rest he was just an idiot.

My old friends Ali and Binu, both well aware of the evolution of my thoughts, were silent and stood there silently praying in their hearts. My death taught me one interesting thing: now I was able to read people’s mind and listen to their whispers. Ali was saying in his heart “Allah should forgive Kaleem’s sins, especially those of his apostate era. After all, he was a born Muslim, and there was time when he used to pray and never missed Ramadan fasting.” And there was one more argument which he presented before God’s virtual court: “He was the progeny of practicing Muslim parents”. While he saw devotion in his appeal, even I felt sorry – of course not for my sins, but for Ali.

Binu was praying for my salvation as well, with all the devotion of a good Christian to his God. I was wondering, which God, even if there were one, was going to grant salvation: the God of the Muslims or Christians? Both men were still praying when Ali’s mobile rang, breaking the sequel of this occasion. The phone call distracted him, and now he was busy trying to convince the party at the other end that he was the best lawyer to deal with their personal injury claims.

My old drinking companion, Mr Butt, a gentleman with a golden heart, a booze lover but still a believer, and the book keeper of my debauched episodes, was crying intermittently like a new born baby. Meanwhile my mate, Comrade Warraich, was trying to console him with logical talk. This time I felt sorry for my death.

The mourning was still going on when someone from the staff of the parlour carefully said to his colleague “these Asians mourn a lot”. No one could hear this, but I most certainly did. Why? I just told you! I got this divine strength right after my death, which alive human beings are deprived of, and I can still remember what John Keats had said more than a century ago: “Heard melodies are sweet but those unheard are sweeter, so go on”. I think I have started listing the unheard ones. This was obviously not sweeter.

      When the news of my departure reached the current residents of No.4 Dunedin Road, I assumed that people would rush towards that funeral parlour, but that turned out to be an intellectual error. “Doctor” got the news, but attending a funeral was for him loss of time, and time was always money for bourgeoisie. Another bearded man read a Quranic verse aloud and then went to his job. He worked as a security guard, and the death of an agnostic was no reason to deprive Her Majesty’s subjects of their safety. That was simply not a logical choice at all.

Ammad, a good friend whom I had always cared for as an elder brother, couldn’t come because of a genuine reason. Of course, a date with a pretty bird cannot be canceled for any brother’s funeral.

My lawyer, the custodian of my will, finally arrived and instructed the parlour staff according to my will, that I should be “cremated with all my books and papers and with strictly no religious rituals”. The parlour staff was getting ready for this when word reached the crowd and caused an uproar. Immediately, my will divided the attendants into two camps: one believer and other nonbeliever.

The believers were insisting on my burial with full religious rituals; meanwhile the people from other camp were arguing that we should respect the will of the deceased – after all, that was his last wish on earth. But the faithful were not ready to accept any argument of infidels; they started threatening them with the fire of hell after their respective deaths. I laughed. Gradually voices were raised and arguments were transformed into abusive debate, causing much nuisance all around. The manager of the parlour appeared on the scene because of this noise pollution.

Suddenly the fight stopped, not because the manager was carrying a machine gun but because she was hot enough to throw a crowd into silence. Once again, John Keats was whispering in my ear “a thing of a beauty is a joy…”  It was a nail-biting moment. First I merely caught a glimpse of her; then I started to see her body in detail, inch by inch, like reading a holy book word by word, I imagined. (You see, I might have been dead but my habit of imagining things was still with me . With those vital statistics, she could seduce not only the faithful but a holy angel as well, if there were any.

Then, I turned to the crowd again. Believers, as always hungry for virgins from heaven were standing with their mouths stark naked – sorry, I mean ‘open’. It was forbidden for them to see a woman in this fashion, but Satan was definitely blessed with exclusive powers. It was allegedly satanic wisdom which caused Adam’s and Eve’s deportation from the heaven… alright, alright, only IF there is any personality called the devil.

Humans, all too human, were fighting, and the manager of the parlour was stunned. Perhaps it was her first experience of this sort of behaviour. Among my friends I caused this division posthumously. After all, I didn’t mean to upset anyone: my wish for cremation was just a wish. And when it became too unbearable for me to see people fighting over my dead body about this trivial issue, I wanted to end this embarrassing situation immediately. Suddenly I shouted at the top of my voice “Stop it please”. But to my wonder, no one looked at me. I thought they were ignoring me for some reason. I shouted again, this time louder than before, but no one could notice my yelling. Then it dawned upon me: death had made me silent forever. I had lost my voice.


By K S Sial                 


Facebook Comments


  1. Werner Rudoy

    June 18, 2018 at 12:24 pm

    I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own weblog and was curious what all is required to get setup? I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny? I’m not very internet smart so I’m not 100 positive. Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks|

  2. Kendall Doroff

    June 18, 2018 at 12:01 am

    Nice response in return of this issue with real arguments and explaining the whole thing regarding that.|

  3. Noel Ashraf

    June 17, 2018 at 3:07 am

    Yesterday, while I was at work, my cousin stole my apple ipad and tested to see if it can survive a twenty five foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views. I know this is completely off topic but I had to share it with someone!|

  4. Antone Storer

    June 16, 2018 at 1:38 pm

    This website was… how do I say it? Relevant!! Finally I have found something which helped me. Thank you!|

  5. Eddy Bartko

    June 16, 2018 at 4:09 am

    Hello, I do think your site may be having internet browser compatibility problems. When I look at your web site in Safari, it looks fine but when opening in IE, it’s got some overlapping issues. I merely wanted to provide you with a quick heads up! Apart from that, wonderful website!|

  6. Simona Bigger

    June 15, 2018 at 9:39 pm

    Hi there to every one, for the reason that I am truly eager of reading this blog’s post to be updated regularly. It includes good material.|

  7. Ty Melendes

    June 15, 2018 at 2:34 pm

    I am really loving the theme/design of your site. Do you ever run into any browser compatibility problems? A number of my blog audience have complained about my site not working correctly in Explorer but looks great in Chrome. Do you have any recommendations to help fix this problem?|

  8. Lewis Dickie

    June 15, 2018 at 10:12 am

    Hey there! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could locate a captcha plugin for my comment form? I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having trouble finding one? Thanks a lot!|

  9. Rudolf Stefanow

    June 15, 2018 at 12:47 am

    Hello! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new iphone 4! Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts! Keep up the fantastic work!|

  10. Darrin Sefcovic

    June 14, 2018 at 10:23 pm

    I’m gone to convey my little brother, that he should also pay a quick visit this webpage on regular basis to take updated from latest reports.|

  11. Melissa Lataquin

    June 14, 2018 at 6:02 pm

    Very rapidly this web site will be famous among all blog users, due to it’s good articles|

  12. Alice Grivas

    June 14, 2018 at 2:47 pm

    Actually no matter if someone doesn’t understand afterward its up to other people that they will assist, so here it happens.|

  13. Sheldon Sauser

    June 14, 2018 at 9:47 am

    You can certainly see your enthusiasm in the work you write. The arena hopes for more passionate writers such as you who aren’t afraid to mention how they believe. Always follow your heart.|

  14. Maurita Bower

    June 14, 2018 at 6:09 am

    Having read this I believed it was very enlightening. I appreciate you spending some time and effort to put this information together. I once again find myself spending way too much time both reading and posting comments. But so what, it was still worth it!|

  15. Nydia Dorris

    June 14, 2018 at 1:35 am

    This is really interesting, You’re a very skilled blogger. I have joined your rss feed and look forward to seeking more of your wonderful post. Also, I have shared your website in my social networks!|

  16. Lloyd Tsuruda

    June 13, 2018 at 2:16 pm

    Hey! Do you know if they make any plugins to help with SEO? I’m trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I’m not seeing very good success. If you know of any please share. Many thanks!|

  17. Trenton Cesa

    June 13, 2018 at 12:06 pm

    Having read this I thought it was really informative. I appreciate you taking the time and effort to put this short article together. I once again find myself spending a significant amount of time both reading and leaving comments. But so what, it was still worth it!|

  18. Hiroko Hellickson

    June 13, 2018 at 6:14 am

    Hello there, You have performed a fantastic job. I’ll certainly digg it and individually recommend to my friends. I am confident they will be benefited from this site.|

  19. Donnie Coote

    June 13, 2018 at 3:27 am

    I am regular reader, how are you everybody? This post posted at this web site is in fact nice.|

  20. Shemika Druckman

    June 12, 2018 at 5:57 pm

    Aw, this was an incredibly nice post. Taking a few minutes and actual effort to make a top notch article… but what can I say… I put things off a whole lot and don’t seem to get anything done.|

  21. Milton Guzzardo

    June 12, 2018 at 3:38 pm

    Everything is very open with a clear clarification of the challenges. It was definitely informative. Your site is very helpful. Thank you for sharing!|

  22. Tanya Matherson

    June 12, 2018 at 11:58 am

    If some one wishes expert view regarding running a blog then i recommend him/her to pay a quick visit this weblog, Keep up the pleasant work.|

  23. Mireya Huner

    June 12, 2018 at 8:31 am

    Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point. You definitely know what youre talking about, why throw away your intelligence on just posting videos to your site when you could be giving us something enlightening to read?|

  24. Tandy Infantino

    June 12, 2018 at 6:09 am

    Hi there I am so glad I found your web site, I really found you by error, while I was looking on Askjeeve for something else, Nonetheless I am here now and would just like to say thank you for a remarkable post and a all round exciting blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to read it all at the minute but I have saved it and also added your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read a lot more, Please do keep up the awesome job.|

  25. Alvaro Arujo

    June 12, 2018 at 12:39 am

    I love it when people come together and share thoughts. Great blog, continue the good work!|

  26. Connie Houten

    June 11, 2018 at 11:46 am

    Superb website you have here but I was curious about if you knew of any forums that cover the same topics talked about here? I’d really love to be a part of community where I can get responses from other knowledgeable people that share the same interest. If you have any recommendations, please let me know. Appreciate it!|

  27. Rueben Rainge

    June 11, 2018 at 7:50 am

    Hello there! Would you mind if I share your blog with my zynga group? There’s a lot of folks that I think would really appreciate your content. Please let me know. Cheers|

  28. Keisha Glasier

    June 11, 2018 at 2:05 am

    This is my first time visit at here and i am truly pleassant to read everthing at alone place.|

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

To Top